i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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