it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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