I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
