just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize