my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
