I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
