Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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