I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
