He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What drink are we having for lunch?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
