Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
