About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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