thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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