Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
