i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
