I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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