Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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