but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
