the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
