what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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