My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
