I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
