he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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