I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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