this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
