I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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