She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
