i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
