I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
