Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
