we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
