Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
