apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
