I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
