On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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