..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
