He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All the doctor said was why
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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