I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
