Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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