do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
