I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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