I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
