Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
