She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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