I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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