i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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