i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize