i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
