we have pet lesbian snakes
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
