Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize