Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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