I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
