The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
There are leaves in my underwear?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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