Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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