So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
