you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize