based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
