I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
