K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
