I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
