arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
