My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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